Only This Moment

Finally I read your blog. Thanks to blogcn that the old one still exists. My feeling now is exactly like yours two years ago. But I will try to calm myself down. The most important thing is not being panic, but to think what i really want to do later. This is a tough one. I know you will always be with me. Thank you !!

For a long time I'm really afraid to check emails, coz Im afraid to see those rejection letters even though I havent got one yet since Wash U. Its a fear that I have never had in my life before. I am really scared. I probably wouldn't tell anyone, but I am.

 

Last year when I applied for PA pragram, I was scared, but not like this, like now. Guess I know even thought I wouldn't go to PA school, I still have a year to figure it out what I want to do, and what I should do. But now, I already spent 6 months or so, studying, applying, waiting, for good news and bad news. And the more scaring part is that I havent figured out what Im gonna do if I don't go to grad school.. Last night I had a conversation with my cousin. I can say that everytime I had a talk with him, I could always learn things. However this time, I guess it's really hard to make a desicion about waht to do.

 

Ive been thinking alot recently that what would happen if Im alone in new york, no friends, no families, only by myself. Probably life would be miserable as hell. I cant imagine that. There are many people in my life, they walk in, then they walk out. Not everyone stays. No matter how long are they in my life, they walk me along my life, short distance, or long distance, I'm truely thankful for them, being there, teaching me, encouraging me, laugh with me, cry with me. they make my life in new york memorable. BUT, I sitll want to get outa here as soon as I can.

 

Found a really old song <Killing me softly with his song> by Roberta Flack. Strongly recommended !

its the 11th day of 2010, and soon gonna be the 12th. Time really flies.. it's been half a year since I came back to new york after graduated from college. i miss all my friends and professors. and I miss my college. sometimes i think maybe i shouldve stayed one more year, finishing my 2nd degree. i always imagine what it would look like if i did that. but unfortunately, or fortunately, what's done is done. Maybe GOD just tried to find another way to tell me 3 years in pdam is enough. There were ups and downs, and it was definitely memorable.

 

Got a phone interview from upstate last week. Talked to the professor for almost an hour. I think it went well. I should know the result by the end of January. Hopefully I can get in. Keep my finger corssed and pray for it. After working for quite a few months, I realized I dont belong to chaos. If I can choose, I'd rather prefer a quiet academic setting. ER doctor is a challege. If I could go to med school someday, I would def give it a shot. Ocologist is not a bad choice. Most patients do not need follow-ups, i hope. Thats another reason i want to do cancer research. You know, maybe i think, if I could figure them all out earlier, before I graduated, maybe Jason and I wouldn't break up. So, i dont blame him anymore. but Im certainly sure that we cant be friends either. It's just complicated.

 

Also I got a rejection letter from Wash U St Louis. You know ppl say you can get the best and the worst together at the same time. Its true! What can I do.. probbly coz my GRE score.. Now i'm worried..

 

I think today is my father's birthday, but I didnt call him. I shouldve called. Cant remember since when I turned like this. My mother always told me to call home more often. I dont know.. Most of times I cant find anything to talk to them. I really have no idea..

 

BTW, I decide to read through bible at least once this year. Cathy and I set this goal a year ago, but never accomplished it. Now im by myself, I have to do it this year. Not only for her, but also for myself. I know she will like it !!

 

Good night, the world!! Tomorrow is another day !

It took me a long time to decide whether or not I should write something about the past year, and it also took me another longer time to actually sit down and write it out.  Guess I’m just that type of person who likes to leave everything behind and really needs a push.

2009 is passing by, and 2010 is coming really soon. Surely there were lots of things happening in 2009. Guess I have to say all of them are memorable, but some of them were really hard for me to get over. Jason and I broke up in May, and it’s almost 8 months since then. I think I have survived.  I have to admit it that at the beginning it was hard even though we were only together for like 6 months. Maybe it’s meant to be like this. When you hurt so much that you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By that, I did pretty dam good job. I can’t say that I’m completely over him, but at least getting there. I gave myself a year, total 365 days, to do it. 231 days down, 134 days to go. Hopefully at the end of “my calendar” I can write a “the end” without any hard feelings.

Anyhow, what else happened in GREAT 2009? Well, yeah, I graduated from college in May. This was the biggest thing too. Wondering why I didn’t mention about it at the first place. Life back in New York is absolutely tedious, disappointing, and miserable. I used to blame Jason, because that idiot broke up with me.  But then I realized that he is not the reason that my life turned completely upside down.  I mean, he is not the entire reason, so I shouldn’t have blamed him. Guess I, myself, is the one should be blamed.  Anyway, life is still tedious, disappointing, and miserable, but much less than before. So I’m grateful and thankful for everything and everyone who gives me supports and courage and love.

So, what am I going to do next year? I don’t know. I wish I could go to graduate school to continue my education. But that’s really not up to me.  So guys, wish me good luck, and keep your finger crossed. Besides that, I haven’t figure out what to do next. One option is I could travel around the world. This is always one of my dreams.  Another option is that I could go to South Africa and provide Christian-ish medical help… Well, these are just options. Who knows if my family knows about them what kind of crazy “education” they will give me. Probably my mother will fly over the Pacific Ocean just for knocking my head and asking me what I am thinking. I asked myself over and over again that why my life is so complicated. Maybe god has his will. Yeah right, I wish god could speak to me and tell me what he wants me to do next. Or maybe I should ask myself that what I really want to do next…

Well, maybe it’s a little late, but I still want to wish all my family and my friends a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Let’s look forward to what’s gonna happen in 2010…

 

yeah, we broke up.... it was sad, and it def. hurt, and still hurting me. but i really cant do anythin bout it. since he doesn't want to be in the relationship right now. i dont know what happened recently, and i dont understand why he doesn't want it anymore. but at this point, i think it doesn't matter.

hope i feel better and hope he feels better as well. graduation might be the greatest thing for both of us since we prob. wont see each other again.  now it's a new start, for me, and for him, too. hope he can find a one that he truely loves and settle down. or it's too early to say so. but i will remember him, deeply in my heart.

Good luck, to both of us !!

I feel that I'm the happiest person in the world as long as I'm with him ! =P

人长大了, 泪腺就自动消失了, 所以大人都不会哭的. 我长大了, 所以我也不哭.

很久没有心里这样痛过了, 虽然只是一阵一阵, 但是真的很痛....

从小就没有那种父亲的关爱. 妈妈再嫁后, 父亲虽然对我很好, 但是始终是个不喜欢表露感情的人, 所以生活也没什么改变. 所以从小就习惯没有那种父亲拥抱的那种概念. 现在, 他经常拥着我入睡. 现在他不在.. 所以自然也睡不着了... 4点了, 我知道也可能是因为快过节了原因. 又一年春节了. 这是第3个春节不在家里过了. 其实蛮想回家的. 想念妈妈,  想念爸爸,想念小白, 想念全家人!